


Unlovable

by authenticiTEA



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Mental Breakdown, Remus is in therapy, mention of stealing, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/authenticiTEA/pseuds/authenticiTEA
Summary: Haha vent fic , featuring abandonment issues
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Unlovable

Remus was never sad. At least, he liked to tell everyone and himself that. He just, doesn’t get sad, and he doesn’t give a single fuck. He just doesn’t care. 

Until he did. 

Nothing hurt like the pain in his chest when he saw his father and his twin. It was in passing at the mall, but as soon as he made eye contact with Roman and looked him up and down he froze. Who was that? He was gorgeous and he walked and talked like an angel, but he looked like Remus? It seemed as if the other twin was in shock as well. They walked up to each other and just stared at each other before Patton came back to Roman with their tray of food. Was...was Patton his father?

Remus never really knew “family”. He just knew strangers he grew up with. The people he grew up with that all lived together in the house he was raised in. They share a house but Remus wouldn’t call them family. Remus always felt out of place there and no matter what they said or what they did, he always felt like a stranger in his own home. No one ever really bothered to learn about him or his history. It’s not like Remus growing up made it easy for them to make a connection. With screaming, crying, kicking, and hitting, no one wanted to talk to Remus. One could blame Remus, but oftentimes a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it’s warmth. 

Remus was quick to learn that all attention was good attention. To get yelled at or to be treated like scum, but was he that deprived of the proper attention a growing child needed or did he just believe that is the level of attention he thought he deserved. With everything in his life staring off as unstable from the get go, maybe Remus just thought he deserved to be treated this way. Alienated and unable to keep long relationships with children his own age and as he grew up romantic relationships were always turbulent and unstable.  
Anger burned deep in the heart of Remus ever since he came into the world. The fire that swept across villages, forests, and grassy fields, but no one seemed to see him hurting. They just brushed it off as him being a “difficult child.” A difficult child who refused to be comforted, refused to be loved, resistant, and refused to be touched. The anger that was always there started to bubble in Remus until he boiled over. Until he saw that his father didn’t want him, but...he wanted Roman instead. 

Roman?

Remus scoffed as he walked away from them and went home, driving as fast and as far as he could. He didn’t know where he was going, but anywhere was better than there. Anywhere was better than seeing him lose to a better version of himself. Anything was better than seeing the life he could have had, and anything was better than having to feel the things he was feeling. And so, Remus drove. He didn’t know where, but he didn’t care. The windows were down and his music was loud enough to cause some hearing damage. As the music played, Remus drove as fast as he could. 45 miles per hour, then 50 miles, then 65, then 80. Before he knew it he was on a country road in the middle of nowhere. 

When the time came he just parked his car in the middle of the nearest field and he closed his eyes before resting his forehead on the steering wheel. Dont think...Dont think...Dont think. Remus couldn’t just stay still. He needed to stop thinning, he needed to be doing something. He needed to be doing something-- he needed to be doing something. Keep busy so that he doesn’t have to actually deal with these emotions, and so Remus coped the only way he knew how. He drove up to Janus’ house as fast as he could before breaking the door open with his foot and walking in to find his best friend. 

“Let’s go steal some stuff.” He mumbled. When he received no answer “Or fucking hit junkyard cars with golf clubs, or even go get high.”

But Janus knew Remus. After being his friend for so long and spending time with him, observing him, and listening to him, he knew what he was trying to do. Instead he walked over and held out his hand palm up and gently grabbed Remus’ bigger hand.

“Talk to me.” Janus’ intentions were genuine and clearly from a place of concern. 

Remus bit his lip and stood there with Janus’ hand in his own and stared at it until he realized his lip was bleeding. Everything was always go, go, go with Remus, and like a car, Remus needed to take his time to come to a complete stop and process what was going on. He just closed his eyes, keeping his head down before starting to speak again. 

“Was it something I did?” Remus started off, and while Janus didn’t know what he meant by this, he was going to wait to ask questions until later. He always spent hours and hours of letting Remus ramble about anything and everything he wanted. Letting him say whatever came to his mind and Remus was able to be his unfiltered, more true self around Janus.

“Did I do anything to make him not want me? What did I do? Why does he hate me? Why didn’t he keep me? Why didn’t he choose me? Why did he choose him instead and leave me alone to die? What does he have that I don’t? Why does he hate me, what did I do to make him hate me?” Remus sputtered out several questions and Janus’ heart broke. Remus felt a gentle squeeze on his hand, a non verbal way of Janus telling him to keep going when he’s ready. Remus scoffed in annoyance, shaking his head and trying to hide the tears that were forming. 

“What did he do to make himself better? Why did he choose him instead and left me to die in the streets alone? Why was I left a malnourished child when he got everything he could ever need. Why doesn’t he care about me? Was it something I did? What did I do, Janus? Why doesn’t he love me? I saw him with Roman, my twin. He has another child that he wanted instead of me. Do you know how badly I want that? To be able to have a relative I can look up to and look at and know that who I am, that's who I come from? All those years in science class asking which traits I inherited from parents-- I dON’T FUCKING KNOW!” Remus screamed as he started to pull out some of his hair before Janus quickly put an end to that and replaced the hair that was pulled from Remus’ head with a stim toy. 

“Why doesn’t he love me? I want that, but here I am, here. Roman’s over there, and he gets the love of a father I never had. Why am I the one that has to hurt and feel the pain of 1,000 suns burning inside my chest whenever I see a happy family that can resemble each other? Families that look alike...he looked like me. Exactly like me, I have a twin, hell, I have a brother. I saw my dad and what features I probably got from him. I looked like both of them. How can someone betray their own bloodline like that, Janus? What did I do? I guess now I know why everyone in my life ends up leaving me, fuckin ghell. Even my own father didn’t want me, so it’s not like I can blame them when they say I’m too much to handle, they get bored of me, or find someone better. They all end up finding their own Romans anyways.” Remus was speaking faster and faster as his thoughts spilled out of his mouth. Voice cracks here and there, but all Janus did until Remus was done was offer soft thumb rubs across the back of Remus’ hand and gentle squeezes every now and then.

“Maybe I’m just unlovable.” Remus whispered, looking down at his feet. He had gone from reeling and going at 120 miles per hour to a defeated demeanor. 

“Maybe i’m not worth lve and maybe I’m just meant to be alone, but I don’t want to be alone, because when I’m alone...I’m alone with my thoughts and my thoughts are heavy, my thoughts are dangerous and when I’m left alone with my thoughts I drown in a dark sea that no one can see and I don’t want to be alone anymore, Janus. I don’t want to be forgotten, I don’t want people to choose someone over me, I want to be the someone they choose! I don’t thnk that’ll ever happen given my personality and who I am...it beenshown through evidence of my life that I’m not worth staying for. Don’t take this the wrong way Janus-- I love you, but you’re just here because I’m all you have. Once you find someone better you’re gonna leave like everyone else. People leave Janus. People leave and family abandons. That’s just my life. Nothing is consistent and nothing stays. The only thing that stays the same is that I always find myself alone in the darkest nights. I’m alone and the only one whos here with me is myself. Whats so repulsive about me that made even my father decide to leave me.” 

Then Remus was quiet for a while. Janus thought he had finished, but just as he was about to interject, Remus poke one more time.

“I was a child, I needed love from a parent. The one I’m connected to. The one whose DNA runs through my veins and the mother I spent 9 months with. Science says that when a baby is born they already know their mother. The sound of her heartbeat, the sound of her voice, and babies in utero are even aware of their fathers’ voices as well. They expect to be loved by those who created them. That's why when women give birth, they immediately start skin-to-skin contact bonding. I wanted that. I just want a family. Picani and I talked, and he helped me figure out why I act the way I do. Unlike what child development theorist B.F Skinner said, babies aren’t clean skates...trauma in utero and even complicated births can affect them throughout their lifetime. Preverbal trauma is stored in the limbic system. He helped me figure out that even early trauma like separation from a parent can cause long term effects. I just wish I had a normal life, and I wasn’t fucked from the get-go ” Remus finished, pulling his hand away from Janus. 

As much as Remus adored him, Janus literally couldn’t understand. Remus was confident there was nothing that Janus could say to help him feel better, and in a way, there wasn’t. What Janus did do was pull Remus into the longest hug ever and Remus hugged back, chin resting on Janus’ shoulder as he stared off into the distance with tears falling down his face. Remus didn’t let go.


End file.
